Picture taken by my sister Veronica 2 summers ago.
Picture taken by my sister Veronica 2 summers ago.

   This past weekend has been a learning experience to say the least, and I still have a full week coming up of new experiences that’ll push my boundaries as a filmmaker and as a human person in general.

   I’ve been working on my first actual “short film” for the past 3 days. I’ve taken my screenplay from Screenwriting class and modified it so it would be easy to film with the resources I have. I wrote out a script, shotlist and met with some great actors (HUGE step for me since I’m literally terrified of talking to anyone, ever, for any reason at all). Now I am in the production phase of things and, as it always goes, I am doubting every single thing. I realized I don’t know how to frame actors in a flattering way, the lenses I’m filming with are less than impressive and when it comes to directing I can barely form a sentence. I feel awful because the people helping me with this are so talented and nice and I am SO ridiculously grateful, but then you have me, a literal potato flinging a camera around. This is so frustrating since I know exactly what I want. I see it in my head and it’s all on paper but when it comes time to film, I don’t know how to do it.

   Because of this, I’ve started wondering if I’d even make a good director. I love writing and all the pre-production planning, but since I’ve been having the most intense social anxiety of my life, I wonder if I’d be any good on an actual set. I’m awkward enough with only two people around me, imagine directing 50+!?

   I love cinematography and I’ve always thought most of my shots to be pretty impressive, until I realized I rarely, if ever, work with actors. I like the simplicity of a shot that tells a story with no words. But I also need to expand my horizons and start testing myself more in the actual storytelling area. The more I’m typing the less I am making sense, what a mess, I am sorry.

   Long story short, I am very confused at the moment as to which career path seems the right one for me. I guess this is all part of the journey of film school? Learning filmmaking from all perspectives and finding out which suits you best. Maybe eventually I’ll figure it out…

   Sorry for the rant, I guess I’m typing to figure out my mindset right now and distract myself from overthinking everything I did today that probably meant nothing to anyone around me, but will eternally embarrass me for the rest of my life. That’s a story for another post; A Masterclass in Thinking You’re the Most Embarrassing Version of Yourself When Literally No One Around You Even Noticed – taught by the master herself VCR

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